Hope and Healing – Pornography Addiction Education and Recovery | For those affected by pornography / sexual addiction (both addicts and loved ones)

Joining the Fight: Fathers Against Pornography

Posted on May 18, 2012 by admin3

I’ve often wondered why it seems that women are the ones heading up the anti-pornography campaigns. I haven’t come up with an answer, but I’m happy to see a new organization started by men: Fathers Against Pornography.

They state:

We are a coalition of mostly men, husbands, and fathers who choose to fight the growing plague of pornography.

As men we recognize many of us have fallen victim to the highly addictive forms of pornography and have seen first hand the destructive outcome it has on society. As men we choose to stand up and fight for our brothers, neighbors, and friends and help those around us in need.

As husbands we recognize the important companionship of our wives and the damaging effects pornography has on our relationship with them. As husbands we choose to love and respect our wives through fidelity, honesty and service.

As fathers we recognize that our actions stand to inspire or destroy those we love. We choose to stand as equal companions to our wives, heroes to our sons and daughters and as protectors of our families.

We choose to combat the assault against us as fathers and to embrace the sacred responsibility we have to ourselves, our brothers and sisters, and to our families.

Pornography destroys families. We are fathers who choose to fight.

Just beautiful.

You can also find them on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ChooseToFight.

For a special Father’s Day project, they are collecting “real letters written by women to their husbands. These letters can be signed or unsigned, to husbands that may or may not be addicted, telling them how much their efforts to fight against pornography and stand up for their families means to them. I believe that letters from wives, written with love and that are encouraging, supportive, and that recognize the efforts of their husbands in this battle, would provide countless men with the encouragement to keep fighting. . . . Our hope is that true stories of courage and love that real women have for their husbands and companions will provide a lift for the men who choose to fight.”

You can send Fathers Against Pornography your letters of encouragement at support@fathersagainstpornography.org.

-Em

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Media Irony

Posted on May 18, 2012 by admin3

Yesterday, the Deseret News printed “Hard to wallow on porn’s edge and not fall in” by Jay Evenson. The article started with some good news:

A British newspaper recently published an informative piece on Internet pornography addictions, noting that some children as young as 8 are developing a dependency as they view images on smart phones, tablets and other devices.

Near the end, the report said British Prime Minister David Cameron supports a measure that would block all porn web sites into the United Kingdom, requiring anyone who wants access to physically opt in.

Wouldn’t that be great? Having to “opt in” so that the rest of us who don’t want to see it don’t have to (or rather, don’t accidentally happen to)?

Ironically, the article points out that the British article was surrounded by “provocative” “links,” “photos,” and “other content.” So, we’re obviously not cleaned up yet, but hopefully sooner than later.

-Em

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Finding Healing as a Wife of a Sex/Porn Addict

Posted on May 1, 2012 by admin

Rhyll Croshaw shares her experience and some tips for wives of men who are dealing with sex/pornography addiction. See this story at a news station’s program called Studio Five.

Rhyll refers to the painting “Gently Up the Stream.” You can read more about this painting and more about Rhyll and Steven’s story here: Healing from Pornography Addiction: Help for Addicts, Spouses

Posted in Personal Stories | Tagged addiction recovery, Rhyll Croshaw, wives of sex porn addicts | Leave a comment

Healing the Broken-Hearted

Posted on April 20, 2012 by admin

This video, “Healing the Broken-Hearted” was shown originally at ksl.com (a news station in Utah). It is full of personal stories about the impact of pornography/sex addiction, on both men and on women, on husbands and on wives. Hear women talk about the pain they felt when they found out about their husband’s addictions. Hear men talk about how they felt, how their addictions began (sometimes addiction begins early in childhood)

Hear also professional insight on the topic of pornography addiction and recovery — and the hope that is available through following true principles of recovery and tapping into the power of the Atonement. Jeff Ford, LMFT, and Geoff Steurer, LMFT, who are experts in this field, who talk about how pornography addiction is about pain management (not sex, not the porn), about how it affects women, and, finally, about how the Atonement can help people find hope, healing, forgiveness, love, and joy as they experience the power of recovery.

Posted in Personal Stories, Professional Insights | Tagged addiction recovery, lds wives healing, lds wives support, pornography addiction, support in recovery lds | Leave a comment

Recovery from Porn Addiction is Possible – Personal Story

Posted on April 19, 2012 by admin

In this video (actually, it’s an audio feed through Vimeo), a young man shares his story of how he was able to overcome his addiction to pornography. This video was created and shared by SA Lifeline, a non-profit organization dedicated to “fighting pornography through education about addiction and support for recovery.”

Recovery Story – Pornography Addiction from SA Lifeline Foundation on Vimeo.

Posted in Personal Stories, Recovery is Possible | Tagged addiction recovery, lds addiction recovery, pornography addiction recovery, sex addiction recovery | Leave a comment

Whether you are a person dealing with sex/pornography addiction yourself, or you are a spouse/loved one of someone in addiction, the following information (shared with permission from SA Lifeline — see pages 144-145 of their Understanding Pornography book) may be of benefit.

For the Addict: (contrasts unhealthy/lack-of-recovery behaviors VS healthy/recovery behaviors)

I lie, am evasive, or only disclose information when asked. VS. I am honest.

I was caught or reported by someone else rather than admitting to or confessing inappropriate behavior. VS I am open and willing to talk about what I do, think, and feel.

I pretend or try to convince others that there are no problems, that they are taken care of, or are no big deal. VS I am trying to find out what caused my addictions and prevent addictive behavior from happening again.

I am defensive, deny, minimize, rationalize, and blame others in order to avoid dealing with my problems. VS I take responsibility for making personal changes.

I want to go back to the way things were before getting caught, rather than improving and growing. VS I have made up my own rules for staying out of compulsive sexual behaviors and am following them.

I refuse to attend 12-Step meetings or get a sponsor, and continue to “punish” myself. VS I regularly attend 12-Step groups, report to my sponsor, and accept the Atonement in my life.

I am not willing to put in the time or effort to fix problems or work the 12-Steps. VS I am working on the 12-Steps and my issues daily.

I run away, hide, or won’t talk about my behaviors, feelings, thoughts, and fantasies. VS I meet regularly with my ecclesiastical leader.

I do not actively participate in counseling. VS I decide to see a counselor on my own rather than being forced to or told to by someone else.

I use other addictions—like alcohol or drugs—to avoid dealing with my real problems. VS I go to professional counseling sessions, work on issues underlying my behavior, and do all homework given.

I act as if I am the victim and seek sympathy or try to get others to take sides. VS I am working more on what I need to change rather than on what I think my spouse needs to change.

I want my spouse to be okay with my addictions and feel cheated if I can’t continue. VS I give my spouse the space and closeness she needs.

I criticize and blame others more than I take personal responsibility. VS I show that I understand the hurt which I have caused my
spouse and loved ones.

I am angry, moody, resentful, critical, or out of control, and only think about my own needs. VS I work to earn others trust and forgiveness.

I try to make a quick-fix deal and apologize—just to have the issue dropped. VS I work to solve problems that were caused by my
addiction.

I am manipulative and use fear, guilt, or threats to get what I want. VS I speak and act with respect.

I make impulsive decisions and have impulsive behaviors. VS I am dependable in taking care of my family, occupation, and religious responsibilities. VS I make promises rather than changes. I am setting specific, measurable goals and achieving them.

I am not living Church standards. VS I am living the standards of the Church.

I continue to put myself in situations where I’ll be tempted. VS I have made significant lifestyle changes.

For the spouse:

I feel that in some way my spouses addiction is my fault and blame myself for his behavior. VS I recognize that pornography addiction is a serious problem and requires hard work to find recovery. However, I do not blame myself for my spouses addiction.

I pretend there isn’t a problem, it is already taken care of, or it isn’t a big deal. VS I require honesty and transparency from the addict and ask him directly when something is bothering me.

I believe whatever the addict tells me, even if my gut tells me something is wrong. VS I take responsibility for making positive changes in my life.

I refuse to take responsibility for changing what I can and taking care of myself. VS I find help and support from others in dealing with the betrayal and trauma I am experiencing and its impact on me.

I try to deal with my emotions on my own. I openly share what I think, feel, and am experiencing with appropriate trusted people. VS
I keep the addiction a secret and fail to seek outside help. [the manual talks more about how to balance this with respecting his privacy in the FAQs section, question 58]

I meet regularly with my ecclesiastical leader. I think that only the addict needs counseling, not me; or, I fail to do homework and skip sessions. VS I work with a therapist who is trained in sexual addiction— whether or not my spouse wants me to.

I make excuses for not attending 12-Step meetings for spouses or, quit going once I feel okay again. VS I actively attend 12-Step meetings for spouses and work on my own recovery daily.

I rationalize that I don’t really need any guidance. VS I find a sponsor and work with her regularly.

I neglect or minimize my needs and wants. VS I practice self-care daily.

I bury my emotions, or utilize other addictions such as food or drugs to avoid them. VS I allow myself to feel natural emotions, hurt, and anger, and then surrender them to God.

I persist in believing that God doesn’t care about me. VS I seek to feel God’s love for me.

I deny, minimize, rationalize, or blame others to avoid making changes or letting go of resentment. VS I work towards forgiving and letting go of the resentment for the hurt which the addicted spouse has caused.

I criticize or blame the addict—rather than set boundaries or make changes to protect myself. VS I set and follow boundaries to protect myself from my spouses addictive behavior and from obsessing about his addiction.

I make a quick-fix deal: If the addict says he is sorry, I will just forget it and won’t talk about it anymore. VS I refuse to accept or enable addict behavior; I look for positive changes—not just promises.

I obsess about what the addict needs to do, rather than work on my own recovery. VS I focus on the changes that I can make, rather than on what I think my spouse needs to change.

I choose how to act based on my fear of the addict’s reaction, or I respond explosively. VS I appropriately share my needs and feelings with the addict instead of worrying about how he might respond.

I set my level of affection based on what my spouse wants rather than on what I need. VS I ask for the space, closeness, or help that I need.

I go along with addictive behavior, or tell myself that it is okay—or that it is not really that bad. VS I work towards extending trust if my spouse is showing behavior that is deserving of trust.

I use demands, fear, guilt, manipulation, or threats to get what I want or need. VS I take care of my personal and family needs.

I do it all myself—even if I’m overwhelmed, and constantly demand perfection from myself. VS I set small measurable goals for myself and work for progress—not perfection.

I do not put in the time and effort to deal with the problem, or fail to set realistic expectations. VS I accept that healing from the effects of my spouse’s addiction is a long process that will take time and effort.

Posted on April 18, 2012 by admin | Leave a comment

Are all those who use pornography addicted?

Posted on April 7, 2012 by admin

Rhyll addresses this question in the following way:

Not everyone who has been exposed will be addicted. One addict recently said here’s my definition of addiction: “I stopped. I stopped again. I stopped again. Then I stopped again. And then I stopped again.”

What they say is that it’s not that we haven’t stopped, and it’s not that we learn how to stop, we learn how to not start again. Maybe it will be six months later and they go back to it, or maybe a year. My husband could go two years without having acting out behavior and then he could go right back into it. And so the learning how to not start again is important.

So one question to ask if one is wondering if pornography use is really an addiction would be, “Can I/my loved one stop using it?” If not, it may be that the brain has been affected enough by pornography use to possibly be an addiction.

Consider this as well, from the SALifeline resource book, Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction:

While many individuals initially seek pornography out of a desire for excitement, anticipation, and pleasure, pornography is also often used as a way to escape from or cope with feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, stress, frustration, boredom, restlessness, loneliness, and insecurity. In this way pornography becomes a drug used to cope with life problems, just as alcohol or illicit drugs might be used.

Every person finds ways to deal with the stress, anxiety, fear, boredom, and insecurity in their life. An addict is a person who has used addictive activities or substances as a way to deal with these things. Because pornography is readily accessible and can serve as a way to cope with anxiety, fear, boredom, etc., it often is used. This use can easily escalate into addiction.

Even if it’s not a full-blown addiction, it would be wise to seek support and help in learning to deal with boredom, stress, loneliness, depression, fear, anxiety, or other emotions in a more productive and constructive way. The risks of pornography use are high, and also violate standards and commandments, which have an impact on spiritual and emotional well-being.

But the word addiction is not something to fear; understanding how addiction works is one of the keys to being able to learn how to not start again, as Rhyll talks about. Recovery work is a blessing, not a punishment.

So if you/someone you love can’t stop, have hope. Recovery is possible. Learn more about addiction and addiction recovery and take the steps needed to get on the path to healing. For the spouse/loved one, you have recovery work to do, too. You’ll be blessed as you both learn to focus on truth about how addiction or compulsive behavioral issues work, and how you can find help and recovery so as to “learn not to start again” (for the addict) and to learn to find serenity and clarity when living with and loving someone with an addiction.

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Having compassion for those struggling with addiction

Posted on February 23, 2012 by admin

When one is personally affected by someone else’s pornography addiction, it is very normal to feel angry, hurt, confused, and more. And so this post is not meant to minimize the painful impact of addiction on a loved one.

But it’s also important as one works through one’s own healing to try to come to understand more about the nature of addiction, and how shaming an addict or trying to just tell him to stop really won’t help. This is something he needs help overcoming, and having compassion from people around him can help him feel the hope that he can find healing himself.

Dr. John Mark Chaney said the following, which applies equally to teens as well as to adults who struggle with addiction:

Professionals sometimes fail to understand the power of the compulsion youth are facing, and it is not uncommon for school, religious, or private-sector professionals to advocate a simple treatment plan that is based upon willpower or moral character. Since pornography can be an addiction, these “just say no” types of approaches are likely to only create more frustration and self-defeating ideation . . . the intervention and treatment modality must recognize the problem as a full addiction, and treat it with the same consideration given to alcohol or chemical substances.

What can apply for professionals and others can also apply for loved ones. When you realize that this really is its own type of addiction, you can understand that “their behavior is less about what they are doing to [you] and more about the bondage that has entrapped them.” Recognizing that “addiction surrenders…freedom to choose” might help you realize that they aren’t trying to hurt you. They just likely don’t know how to stop.

As you work through your own healing, pray that you can come to a point where you can have compassion for your loved one’s situation. That doesn’t mean enabling or facilitating wrong behavior. But a little understanding can go a long way.

Jeffrey R. Holland (when president of Brigham Young University) said:

“When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore, after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater.”

But don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t there yet. Your healing will take time, too as you learn to “let go and let God” and work to step out of your survival behaviors can be their own form of ensnarement. Know that there are many who understand and are walking this path. Reach out to someone who understands (such as on our forum, or in a 12-step support group), and work your own recovery. The compassion can gently find a way into your heart as you do. For now, if you can’t yet feel it, just try to leave a space for it.

(Some of the references listed above were found in this article.)

Image from Pictofigo at Wikimedia Commons

Posted in Recovery is Possible, Understanding Addiction | Leave a comment

How can I know my loved one is progressing toward recovery?

Posted on February 20, 2012 by admin

When a loved one has a pornography/sex addiction, it is critical to focus your energy not on regulating or monitoring the addiction recovery, but on your own recovery and healing. That said, it may be helpful to be educated about how you can know if your loved one is on the right path toward recovery.

Here are some resources to help you assess your situation:

From an addict in recovery: This is what recovery looks like

- – - – -

See this table that contrasts attitudes and behaviors of one who may not be committed to recovery vs. one who is committed to and working toward recovery.

- – - – -

From SA Lifeline’s frequently asked questions:

What does recovery mean?

Recovery from pornography or sexual addiction requires more than just stopping or abstaining from the behavior. Abstinence from viewing pornography is important, of course, but true recovery requires a lifestyle change as well as a change of heart. It is about recognizing and admitting to being an addict, setting appropriate boundaries to protect against future acting out, learning to cope with life’s challenges in healthy and appropriate ways, being willing to work on recovery daily, and changing underlying behaviors causing the individual to seek out pornography. Some factors that can indicate a person’s progress in recovery include:

Is your loved one completely honest, open, and transparent in discussing his pornography problem—past and present?

What steps are being taken to recover?

Does he/she fully disclose his problem to his spouse, significant other, parents, therapist and religious leaders?

Does he/she work with a sponsor [someone who has walked the path of recovery and can help guide your loved one through this journey]?

Does he/she participate in a 12-Step program?

Is he/she getting appropriate counseling?

Does he/she still continue to acknowledge himself as an addict and continue to work his recovery program?

How long has he gone without viewing pornography? Research has shown that it takes at least seven to twelve months [or longer] before an addicted individual is on his/her way to establishing true and lasting sobriety. Complete recovery requires time.

Does the person work on issues underlying the pornography addiction? Is the person working to change attitudes and behaviors regarding healthy sexuality, developing relationship skills, learning to address unresolved problems, and dealing with life more constructively?

Is he/she more concerned about helping others who might also be suffering from pornography addiction than about his/her own image and reputation, or keeping his/her behaviors related to pornography a secret?

- – -

Image by Stephh from Wikimedia Commons

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“Why can he/she not just stop looking at porn?”

Posted on February 20, 2012 by admin

A wife of a pornography addict reflects what many loved ones feel when a loved one is unable to stop looking at pornography.

Every time I ask myself “Why doesn’t he just NOT LOOK?” or “If he knows how this will hurt me, and him, why does he continue?”

Why? WHY? WHY!

A quote that helps anchor her is this from Russell M. Nelson, who said:

“Addiction surrenders… freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will!”

“I love this quote,” she writes. “I cling to these words.”

Do you have a loved one in your life who cannot stop looking at pornography, or are you find yourself in that place where you want to stop, but cannot. Understanding the impact of pornography addiction on the brain can be helpful in understanding what is needed to overcome these effects. It will take effort, but recovery is possible!

The following articles explore this topic further.

Understanding the addictive nature of pornography (see also video below)

Does pornography viewing really affect the brain? – Links to various resources that explore this topic

“When persons first enter into and entertain addiction, attitudes are anchored in pride: “I know and understand that substance abuse overwhelms and overcomes others. I’ve seen them. But I will not become one of them. I am stronger than they are.” Or, “I hold it [my marriage, my family, my life] together.” [Whether] addiction captures the innocent or the unwise, after a period of time consequences accumulate and one realizes that, “Indeed, the laws of life apply to me too; I cannot escape this.” [But there is hope for recovery…read on!]” — see this article, “Recovery from Addiction”

From a recovering addict: The ABCs of Addiction

The Pornography Trap – by Victor Cline and Brad Wilcos

In this video, Dr. Hilton discusses the impact of pornography addiction on the brain.

Posted in FAQs about pornography addiction and recovery, Understanding Addiction | Tagged addiction, effects on the brain | 1 Comment