LifeStar of Lehi had a great series of blog posts from WoPAs (wives of men with pornography addictions). Following are the posts that appeared in the series, with a snippet from each post:
Series launch: New Series: Tips From Women in Recovery
“My Heavenly Father understands Betrayal Trauma. My Heavenly Father understands triggers. He sees the bigger picture; the one that my friend/family/bishop/therapist can’t see. He knows that not all recoveries look alike, there isn’t an ideal or best way and He knows what will work best for me.
“I don’t want to imply that the people that the Lord has given us to help us on this path are generally wrong or out to get us, but I do want to instill the idea that NO ONE knows what is best for me more than the Lord does. And no one can hear Him speak to me better than I can.”
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“In therapy I’ve been discovering boundaries (did you know they’re already there? And you can feel it when they’re crossed.) and trying hard to figure out what has been going on around here for the last 6 years. I happen to be married to a compulsive confessor. That means I know exactly what’s been going on with him, but I have been ridiculously out of touch with what’s been going on with me. Being married to a confessor is it’s own brand of hard, I suspect it required emotional shut-down simply for the sake of survival.
But now it’s time to feel it.”
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“You have to feel. You have to. If you constantly push your emotions away, for whatever reason (because there are tons of reasons you might push the emotions back), you won’t fully heal. You have to acknowledge the pains. You have to face them and embrace them. You have to process and trudge through them. After you’ve processed them, then you can let them go. And then you can allow yourself to fully heal.”
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“Being able to reach your potential will require humility. It is easy when coping with your husband’s addiction to let all the blame fall to him. You are NOT responsible for his addiction. But you are responsible for your character defects that prevent you from healing. Self-awareness can be painful and inconvenient. Humbly recognize things about yourself that are making you miserable, and own them.
“You might not feel strong or capable. Surround yourself with people who believe in you. Do small things to practice independence. Knowledge will give you confidence. Arm yourself with education. Insight and discovery will validate you. If you believe in a Higher Power, plead with him to endow you with fortitude.”
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“I have learned the value of finding help. My husband may have an intricate role in the story, but my pain, is MY story. It is mine to share appropriately, with safe people, and it is mine to heal from. There are others, so many others, who I found, that were willing to walk with me and help carry the pain. They heard and understood. Sometimes they had similar stories, and sometimes they didn’t, but they all loved me. They were all willing to carry my burden with me. It was when I learned that I owned my story and I could share it, that I finally began to heal from it.”
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“I have known intellectually that my worth isn’t based on my clothes or my hair or my weight. God doesn’t care about any of this. But, I have been insecure in my marriage. For years I felt my husband’s love ebb and flow, and there was no constancy. I blamed this on his depression, because I knew nothing of his addiction, porn or other women. This insecurity led me to doubt myself, and I see now how desperately I sought approval from him. It was a normal reaction to the situation, but I can do better now.
“With God’s help I am learning that I can trust my own sense of self.”
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“’Jacy, you know that this is NOT a reflection of you, right?’
“I broke down in tears.
“’But I feel like it has everything to do with me! If I would have been prettier, or sexier, or more wild in the bedroom, or more physically fit and toned, or a better house wife, or a better cook, or maybe if my breasts were bigger… then maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation? Maybe if we would have been intimate more often he wouldn’t have been unfaithful? Why was I not enough? What was he searching for that I ever-so-clearly was not?’
“It’s been almost 4 years since that conversation with my friends and let me tell you something, it’s taken that long to finally accept, completely and wholly, that my friend’s statement was true.”