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Hope and Healing – Pornography Addiction Education and Recovery » Forum for Wives (or Ex-wives) of Porn Addicts

Forum for Wives (or Ex-wives) of Porn Addicts

There is a private forum for women who are personally affected by the pornography/sex addiction of a spouse, boyfriend, or loved one. The forum, like this blog, represents the seeds of a cooperative effort of non-profit leaders, professional therapists, individual women in recovery wanting to help, and website managers who have seen a need for support for wives of porn addicts.

Come talk with other women who are walking this path, and see what has helped them find hope and healing. The forum has an LDS flavor to it, but any women looking for faith-based support are welcome.

http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/forum/index.php

Before joining the forum, please read the following:

INFO SPECIFIC TO THIS LDS WOMEN’S FORUM: PLEASE READ BEFORE REGISTERING. The agreement contains updated information about steps you need to take to have (or keep) your account activated. We want to keep this a safe space for all participants, so thank you in advance for your cooperation.

TO CREATE AN ACCOUNT:

You’ll need to create your username and password. We recommend creating or using an anonymous email address for the forum. In order to do create an account, you’ll need to indicate via the software that you have read and agree to the terms and conditions. BUT IN ORDER TO HAVE YOUR ACCOUNT APPROVED (and to help us not accidentally delete your request in all the spam we receive), please send an email using whatever email address you used to register to hopeandhealinglds a’ gmail, with responses to the following questions:

1. How did you find the forum?
2. What do you hope to get out of the forum?
3. Have you read all of these terms and conditions?
4. Do you agree to the terms and conditions?

Your email information (either account or email message content) will not be shared except with admins as necessary to maintain the forum. Again, this is simply to ensure that everyone who registers is a real person, with a relevant need, and is willing to abide by the rules and conditions of this forum.

ABOUT THE FORUM

This forum is a private, moderated, unofficial forum for LDS women (or women who are comfortable in an LDS environment) who have been personally affected by the pornography / sex addiction of a husband, boyfriend, or other close loved one. (For simplicity’s sake, most content is directed to wives but is applicable to other loved one as well.) The forum is part of an unofficial cooperative effort of non-profit leaders, professional therapists, individual women in recovery wanting to help, and website managers who have seen a need for support for LDS wives of porn addicts. Information from the network of people can be found in links on the forum and on the public website.

(Note: If you are a professional therapist or non-profit leader in this realm of addiction recovery and would like to collaborate with the administrator of this forum, email her at hopeandhealinglds a’ gmail.com. You may not register for the forum unless you are also personally affected by a loved one with a sexual addiction, but can submit guest posts for the public blog at hopeandhealing.com.)

The goal of this forum is to provide a safe, positive, faith-based place for women to talk about the process of healing and recovery, and to provide resources and information about pornography/sex addiction and principles of recovery. Please note that there are various resources and personal opinions shared here, and not all principles or resources shared may be right for you right now. We don’t necessarily endorse every facet of every perspective, but hope as you read through various resources, you’ll be able to see patterns of truth and principles of healing that will help you in your journey.

Please also know that this forum is not designed to replace “live” support groups and/or professional therapy, but we hope it can help as an additional resource for those needing help, support, and encouragement. We want you to know that you are not alone, and hope and healing are possible!

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

SIGNING UP FOR THIS FORUM MEANS YOU HAVE READ AND AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING RULES, CONDITIONS, AND TERMS. (yes, we know this is long, but please read it all)

Rules for engagement in the forum:

- Anonymous participation is allowed, but please create a screen name that makes you identifiable. Also, please note that we have a lot of spam coming in. Try to make your username something that would have some meaning…not just letters or numbers that might appear random to our administrators or participants.

- Respect for the privacy of others is ESSENTIAL. There is to be absolutely NO sharing of personal content from this board in email, blogs, or conversations, outside of this board, without written permission from individual comment/post authors. NO EXCEPTIONS. *This includes not discussing personal stories of women here with husbands, family members, or friends. Please do not let anyone else read the forum, and please ensure that your account is set to log out automatically after a certain period of time.*

- You CAN discuss *principles* or *resources* that you find helpful. Just keep names and personal elements and stories safe in the forum.

- The board cannot be used for personal commercial purposes. (Sharing information from others who have commercial pursuits is allowed, as long as information is relevant and is shared not primarily for promotional purposes.)

- Keep content constructive. This *is* a place to ask for help with how to heal from the pain associated with this trial, how to respond in healthy ways to addictive behavior, what others have done when well-meaning leaders have not known how to help, etc. But this *isn’t* a place to come “bash” your husband/loved one, your church leaders, or others.

- Be careful about giving advice. Try to keep comments in a personal voice (“this is what worked for me”), rather than telling others what they “should” do. (Links to helpful information from professionals is ok.)

Conditions for participation:

- Although you don’t have to be LDS to participate, you understand that principles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be actively discussed here, and you agree to respect this forum’s religious focus. No trolling will be allowed.

- You understand that this forum cannot and should not be seen as a replacement for therapy or group therapy/12-step/other group work. We are not responsible for any actions you or anyone else in your life may choose to take as a result (direct or indirect) of reading or participating in this forum.

- You understand that even though measures are taken to protect your identity and privacy, any sharing on the internet comes with inherent risk. You assume all risk of participating in this forum. (See more detailed disclaimers below.)

- Any content deemed inappropriate by moderators/administrators may be deleted or edited without warning. Associated member accounts may also be deleted if the above rules or conditions are violated.

- We understand that it may take time to feel comfortable sharing much about your situation. It is not necessary to share extensive details at any time. But in order to keep this a safe place for everyone, please at least introduce yourself (it can be brief), by screen name, when you register, stating briefly how you found the forum and/or what you hope to get from your participation here. (You will see an introductions section at the top of the forum boards list.)

- Accounts that have no comments or no activity are subject to deletion and/or may require reactivation.

- Although we strive to keep content here consistent with the principles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, this forum and its accompanying blog (hopeandhealinglds.com) are not officially associated with nor endorsed by the Church. Questions? Email us at hopeandhealinglds a’ gmail.

FOLLOWING ARE SOME OF THE MORE GENERAL REGISTRATION TERMS TO WHICH YOU WILL ALSO BE EXPECTED TO ADHERE. (Legalese is necessary for our own protection. You are almost done!)

By participating in this forum, you understand that the administrative team has taken reasonable precautions at protecting your privacy, but you still understand that any sharing on the internet comes with inherent risks. You agree that this site, administrators, forum participants, or anyone otherwise associated with this forum, directly or indirectly, shall not be held liable for any negative consequences, perceived or real, resulting from participation in this forum or “personal application” of any advice or ideas shared in the forum. As such, you agree, through your registration in this forum, to fully and forever release forum administrators, participants, and any associated individuals or organizations from any claims, demands, damages or rights of action, present or future, resulting from your participation or any other person’s participation in this forum.

You remain solely responsible for the content of your posted messages. You agree, through your use of this forum, that you will not post any material which is false, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person’s privacy, adult material, or otherwise in violation of any International or United States Federal law. You also agree not to post any copyrighted material unless you own the copyright or you have written consent from the owner of the copyrighted material. Spam, flooding, advertisements, chain letters, pyramid schemes, and solicitations are also forbidden on this forum.

Note that it is impossible for the staff or the owners of this forum to confirm the validity of posts. Please remember that we may not actively monitor all posted messages, and as such, are not responsible for the content contained within. We do not warrant the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information presented. The posted messages express the views of the author, and not necessarily the views of this forum, its staff, its subsidiaries, or this forum’s owner. Anyone who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to notify an administrator or moderator of this forum immediately. The staff and the owner of this forum reserve the right to remove objectionable content, within a reasonable time frame, if they determine that removal is necessary. This is a manual process, however, please realize that they may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately. This policy applies to member profile information as well.

The owners of this forum also reserve the right to reveal your identity (or any other related information collected on this service) in the event of a formal complaint or legal action arising from any situation caused by your use of this forum.

You have the ability, as you register, to choose your username. We advise that you keep the name appropriate. With this user account you are about to register, you agree to never give your password out to another person except an administrator, for your protection and for validity reasons. You also agree to NEVER use another person’s account for any reason. We also HIGHLY recommend you use a complex and unique password for your account, to prevent account theft.

After you register and login to this forum, you will be able to fill out a detailed profile. It is your responsibility to present clean and accurate information. Any information the forum owner or staff determines to be inaccurate or vulgar in nature will be removed, with or without prior notice. Appropriate sanctions may be applicable.

Please note that with each post, your IP address is recorded, in the event that you need to be banned from this forum or your ISP contacted. This will only happen in the event of a major violation of this agreement.

Also note that the software places a cookie, a text file containing bits of information (such as your username and password), in your browser’s cache. This is ONLY used to keep you logged in/out. The software does not collect or send any other form of information to your computer.

15 Responses to "Forum for Wives (or Ex-wives) of Porn Addicts"

  1. Hello. If you don’t know who I am, I am the director of several programs designed to train men, young and old, how to win their own personal war with pornography and other sexual addictions. These include Sons of Helaman, Sons of Mosiah, and Men of Moroni. I also run a therapeutic group for women affected by relationships with men with these challenges called the W-O-R-T-H group. You may also want to know about the book we recently published called, “Like Dragons Did They Fight.” I would be happy to answer any questions you have about any of these services. Your Servant, Maurice

    1. admin says:

      Maurice,

      Apologies that your comment got held up in moderation. Yes, we are very aware of your work. We’ve actually had a link to your blog up for a while on our blog list page. :)

      Thanks for all you do.

      We’d love to see more blog posts for wives of addicts from your W-O-R-T-H work. Since many of our readers live in places where access to “real life” resources like support groups is limited, we’re trying to use the power of social media to get more resources to women affected by this. We are trying to encourage professionals like you to use the social media more to help in this regard. Please let us know if and when you do post any such content!

      Warm regards,
      Admin team

  2. Hi, I am referring some clients to this wives forum, but they are having a hard time getting on the forum. Can someone help? I would also like to be sure that the info I am sharing with others is correct so that they are not so frustrated when they try to join the group. Here’s the info: http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marriage/porn-sex-addiction-recovery-resources

    Thanks for your help.

    Laura M. Brotherson, MS, MFT

  3. admin says:

    Laura,

    I sent you an email. If people are having a hard time getting onto the message board/forum, have them email me at hopeandhealinglds a/ gmail.

    The online Google+ group is something separate from the forum, actually, so it’s best to try to contact marlee about that. I’m not sure about when and if they are still meeting.

    We’re likely going to start some more formal 12-step support-group dynamics within the private forum as well, in collaboration with another group of people focused on addiction recovery education and support. I’ll keep you posted on that.

    Thanks for your post of resources. We’ll re-post it here.

  4. CHERYL says:

    Hello
    I feel great sadness to know that my partner of 5 years is still involved in on-line pornography. Lately, I had believed him when he said he wasn’t doing that anymore. Just yesterday, I started to make plans to marry him when I got this feeling to check the history on his computer. My heart sank when I discovered the pornoraphic pictures and movies. I even feel bad for him as this must be an illness, I told myself. It’s such a terrible feeling too when someone you love is doing things behind your back. We are both Christians. I have to be strong and God is for me because it is time that I move on.

  5. Jeanie says:

    I really need help. My husband & I have been working on a recovery program for his sex/porn addiction. He has been very open & honest with me. Some things he has told me hurt terribly, but I weathered through & cont. with the treatment program. We have been married 30 yrs. Before our marriage, we both had first marriages that lasted only 4 yrs, because both our ex spouses were cheaters. My ex husband was bad, but his ex wife was worse. She cheated on my husband with his best friend who was also the best man in their wedding. She then divorced my husband & married his best friend. At least my ex husband cheated & hooked up with a stranger. When my husband & I found each other it was like a dream come true. We could relate to everything & decided we wanted so much better for our marriage.He promised me the ultimate in committed & faithful love & I trusted & believed in him. We had both of our prior marriages annulled, so we could marry with the beauty of Christian love & no prior baggage. We planted our former spouses symbolically in the ground, never to be seen by us again. It felt wonderful. To shorten my story, we had many beautiful yrs,& a fantastic sex life until we got digital cable, computer & internet. I guess they brought curiosity on my husband’s part & soon he was on the porn addiction road. This also led to staring at pretty women when we were out in public, to masturbating to anything that could arouse him. So now it was full blown sex/porn addiction. This went on about 5 yrs until finally he himself had had enough & turned to me first about his problem & the extent of it. We hooked up with the recovery program. So back to what I said earlier, I was dealing with the awful things he told me about the porn, making other women objects of his sexual pleasure, etc etc. But then he told me something that floored me. He told me that just a yr ago he began fantasizing about his ex wife. He said he would fantasize about when they were first married & their early sexual experiences, before the bad stuff started between them. Then he would masturbate & climax with the thought of his ex wife as his lover. I am worse than hurt. I am shocked, appalled, sick, whatever bad feelings there are. I don’t know how to process this. For me, he resurrected his ex wife from the ground, to bring her back to him, so he could be with her, make love to her & enjoy the good times they had before she hurt him. I feel as though he got rid of his annulment to her in order to be with her again. And obviously he destroyed every promise, vow & commitment he had with me. For me he brought his ex wife back, & placed her in our marriage, between him & I, so his marriage vows to me & his annulment to her mean nothing now. It appears to me that he still has unresolved issues with her from his 4 yr marriage to her. And it feels like he spent 30 yrs with me, waiting for her to return. When she didn’t return on her own, he found a way to bring her back. When I tell him this he says no it was just a random thought & I don’t know why I picked her. I don’t see it that way. What does everyone else think? Is fantasy about your ex wife a part of sex/porn addiction? Or is it deeper about unresolved issues?

  6. Jackie says:

    Haven’t had time to read all posts but here’s mine. Found husband on AM site and getting emails from these women with photos of sexual body parts. We had entrusted passwords of each others email accounts so this was how I knew. I went in and changed his AM pass. and posted to a few of the women “made a mistake I’m a Christian, married man sorry”. It didn’t take him long to figure out what I had done. So what! He was furious. How dare I break into his account and change things. I violated his trust in me. However I would have done nothing like that had he not been “sneeking” around with sexting (he had never been much into texting) so when I saw him on his phone mostly all the time I knew something was up. Then I went upstairs to tell him dinner was ready the door to his “man cave” was shut, another new action. He was talking on the phone with one of these women and she was accusing me of sending her a threatening email which never happened. Not even my email address. [edited] Told her he was going downstairs for dinner and he will make me put my hand on the Bible and swear that I didn’t do it. I was so obliging then he went back and told he he’s never known his wife to put her hand on the Bible and lie.
    She read the email to him in my presence (wasn’t on speaker phone) just before hanging up I said for her to hear “I don’t know who you are it what your name is but stay away from him”. Could not even believe that this kind of fiasco was happening to me and coming from a “Christian” Man. He has not stopped sexting or emailing but has drastically cut back and said “Sorry for what I’ve been putting you through lately but hang in there I’m getting it together slowly.”

  7. Jackie says:

    One more important question that no one can ever answer. How do I tactfully tell my husband he has this addiction without seeming accusatory or starting WW 3.

  8. Elaine says:

    I want to join this group. I really need the support of other LDS women facing the same trial I am facing. I have been married for 30 years and have been aware for several years that my husband is battling a pornography addiction. A year ago he confessed that five years into the marriage he had a sexual encounter (not intercourse) with a stranger while he was traveling. At my insistence he began participating in the church’s Addiction Recovery Program last January and has had more abstinence than at any time since his mission. However after a recent relapse he was fired from his job (where he had worked for 23 years) for viewing porn on his work laptop. The images included underage girls –which is a crime, so the police have confiscated his computer and phone and are investigating him. We are in crisis in every way. I am getting lots of support from our Bishop, my own sponsor in a 12-step program, a professional counselor and a woman who runs a wives group for Christian women who are wives of sex addicts. I have written and will be sharing with my husband (in the presence of a third party) my personal boundaries and “bottom lines”, which may include separation until I see some real changes. I’m not sure I can share a home with him while I work through my anger and hurt. There is a meeting for wives through the Church’s program in my area, but I was the only one there when I attended and the leaders said there are very few who have attended in the past. I may be participating in a Christian’s women’s support group in the spring, but I feel the missing piece for me is receiving support from my sisters in the gospel. I have three children at home -ages 14, 17 and 20.

  9. Carol says:

    I’m in a similar position as you in many ways. I’ve been married 28 years. My husband did things with girls he shouldn’t as a teenager, at one point thinking his girlfriend was pregnant. He had a bishop who recognized he needed to get on a mission, so he had him report to him every Friday before going on a date and my husband managed to stay “good” long enough to get on a mission, which is where we met. But he had a masturbation problem as well which I became aware of about four years into our marriage. He learned he needed to stop, but he didn’t. He also had an “encounter” with a young lady a few years later (not intercourse either), and did repent of it, but still had this masturbation thing going on and I think very few realize the darkness this brings to a person. I learned about a year and a half ago he’d been doing pornography for about three years. This brought darkness to our whole family, and my boys both got into porn as well because of the darkness in our home. It’s a long story, but the bottom line is my husband needs counseling and doesn’t recognize how crucial this is so won’t go, and there is no progression for us as a couple or family as long as he won’t get help. And not a whole lot of counselors out there really even understand the damage viewing porn does to someone’s spirit, or the darkness it brings to that person’s home and family. Since my discovery of my husband’s problem I’ve realized (through much prayer, fasting, going to the temple, pondering, agonizing and doubt) that I need to remove myself from him, and our divorce will be finalized within a couple weeks. If he would get help I’d stay. I don’t think many women understand where they should draw the line when their spouse gets into these things, they don’t know where or how to set up boundaries, they don’t understand that they need to ask God for help, and that ultimately, only He can tell them how to handle their situation in the best possible way, though counseling with a professional is very important. They aren’t aware of support groups available, especially LDS women, or where to find resources of help. The meeting for wives through the Church’s program isn’t offered everywhere, as it depends on the local leadership and what they’ve set up. I work for a certified mental health counselor who specializes in sexual addiction issues, he is LDS and his therapy is based on LDS principles, the part of having the Spirit in our lives fits in, and is very gospel based. He offers a support group for wives as one of the programs of our organization, as well as individual counseling to both the husbands and wives. One of the programs he offers is specifically for men with porn addiction problems called Men of Moroni, another program is for young men called Sons of Helaman, the support group for wives is WORTH, there is a class for addiction prevention, and other resources. The principles taught were directly inspired and really work, teaching how satan works and keeps people in behaviors outside their value systems, and specific tools to get out and stay out. I am always looking for additional resources to help LDS people win their wars as people call our office all the time with all kinds of things they’re dealing with. Our website is http://www.lifechangingservices.org if someone wants more information.

    You mentioned your children; mine are 27 (married to a porn addict as well), 25, 18 and 15. We’re definitely in a war that will continue until we die, but if we learn the strategies of the enemy and know how to fight, we will win. But we do have to fight. There is a scripture that is hanging on the wall of our office from Mosiah 20:11, “But they fought for their lives, and for their wives, and for their children; therefore they exerted themselves and like dragons did they fight.”

    1. Elaine says:

      Carol: i just now read your post from February. Yes, there are many similarities in our stories. I am so sorry to hear how the darkness has impacted your children. Since that post, I asked my husband for a 3-month separation, and mid-way through that 3-month separation he “opted out” of the marriage. So we worked through a mediator and are divorcing. (Because of insurance issues we won’t be filing until the end of August). Our kids were surprised when we announced the separation, but not surprised when we announced the divorce. He has been seeking treatment through another Christian men’s organization which is excellent (because he has more accountability). We don’t live in Utah and don’t have access to the resources there, but we are grateful for this Christian program. I completed the 10-week course for wives and it was fantastic. i learned a lot about co-dependency and about the pornography addiction in general. He is making some nice progress with his own recovery, which is good for him and may help him to reclaim his relationship with himself the Lord and the kids, but sadly not enough to save the marriage. Even though it was his idea to divorce, I believe it’s the right idea. My stake president told me he thinks I have done all I could. Interestingly, 6 weeks after he asked for a divorce I was asked to serve in the Stake Relief Society Presidency?? When we announced the divorce to the kids he gave a full disclosure about his 40-year problem with addiction and masturbation. They had absolutely no idea (which didn’t surprise me because he hid it well. During our 30-year marriage I only found physical evidence twice), but he knows and I know that this addiction is really an intimacy disorder and maybe the kids feel less crazy that their relationship with him is not good.. He is still active in the church and the divorce is pretty amicable. I am dealing with my feelings, but my big stumbling block at the moment is that while I think I can forgive what went on between me and my husband, I am having a harder time forgiving the damage to the children. My oldest son (almost 21) stopped going to church at 18 and now my daughter is following suit. She will turn 18 next month just before her senior year and she has announced she is done attending church. While intellectually I realize that there are many factors at play and my children have their agency I know that my husband’s bad example and the fact that because of his choices the spirit could not be in our home. When I am really aching for my children I feel this anger rising up in me. Even though he was active in the church, held callings and went through the motions of being the priesthood holder , I always felt like I was fighting against some unseen force in my home –which, I of course was, but I felt a little crazy because I couldn’t identify it. Even though I did know that he wrestled with this problem, I had no idea the frequency or intensity. It was all consuming. That force, that darkness has taken it’s toll and I have resentments about how that his affected my children.

  10. Carol says:

    The post from Elaine popped up on my computer this morning and I responded before reading any of the other posts. I didn’t see there was one from the director of the organization I work for dated back in November of 2012, Maurice Harker. I’m glad he’s aware of this forum!

    1. Maurice is awesome!

  11. Hello everyone, I would like to share our humble Facebook group with you all; it’s called Spouses of Porn Addicts Support Group. We are a small and humble community but I think that it’s important that all of us who struggle have a friendly and open place to discuss our strategies for overcoming this monster that tears us from our partners together. So please, help out by joining our group and sharing with us your experiences, that page has helped me personally and my husband has not watched porn for over 4 months. Thank you all.

    1. Nothing can compare to a group of women gathering to mourn together and support each other. I love to hear groups like this are forming. Thanks for letting us know about it. Glad to hear things are going well with you and your husband. :)

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