Hope and Healing - Pornography Addiction Education and Recovery

For Survivors of Sexual Abuse

admin2 — Wed, 01 May 2013 22:35:56 +0000

We’ve been around for a while, and as we’ve talked to men and women affected by the nightmare of pornography and sexual addiction, we’ve found an unsettling pattern. It seems sexual addiction has a sinister partner in many cases: abuse.

Emotional abuse often thrives in relationships where porn and sexual addiction exist. But if left unchecked, we have heard cases where things have gotten completely out of control and led to physical and sexual abuse as well. We are also aware that both addicts and loved ones in this realm may carry with them a history of childhood sexual abuse.

We hear you. And we want to help.

On this note, we are going to start perking up our virtual ears for material on the subject. Here is our first great find: a beautiful talk by Elder Scott that approaches the subject from all angles. In his characteristic manner, his tone is loving and tender, yet straightforward. He is such a great man. (You can view the talk in its original context, on lds.org, by clicking here.)

To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

By RICHARD G. SCOTT, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, LDS Church

I bear solemn witness of how deeply I love our new prophet, seer, and revelator, President Thomas S. Monson—how deeply I trust him, and how I am willing to do whatever he asks me to do.

Some matters are so sensitive and intensely personal and can awaken such disturbing feelings that they are seldom mentioned publicly. Yet, if tenderly and compassionately treated in the light of truth, discussion of these matters can bring greater understanding, with the easing of pain, the blessing of healing, and even the avoidance of further tragedy.

It is with a deep desire to define a path to relief that I speak to you who suffer the shattering consequences of mental, verbal, physical, and especially sexual abuse. I speak also to those of you who cause it. I will focus on sexual abuse, although the counsel given should help the victims of other mistreatment. My intent is to act as a mirror so that divine, healing light can illuminate the dark clouds of distress caused by others’ unrighteous acts. May I be aided to communicate understandably, to provide help, and not further complicate a damaged life. It is also likely that greater understanding, awareness, and sensitivity may permit some of the rest of us to help resolve or prevent the tragedy of abuse in additional victims.

The rising tide of this vicious, abominable sin may not have touched your life personally. Yet it is pervasive enough in the world that it may have touched someone you love. It frequently causes such profound suffering— that can be overcome—that I want to speak of how healing can be attained. It will be done reverently, for my objective is to help heal and not aggravate painful memories.

Agency

Moral agency is a vital element in our Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness. He understood that some of His spirit children would use that agency improperly, causing serious problems to others. Some would even violate sacred trust, such as a father or family member abusing an innocent child. Since our Heavenly Father is completely just, there has to be a way of overcoming the tragic consequences of such damaging use of agency for both the victim and the perpetrator. That secure healing comes through the power of the Atonement of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, to rectify that which is unjust. Faith in Jesus Christ and in His power to heal provides the abused with the means to overcome the terrible consequences of another’s unrighteous acts. When combined with complete repentance, the Atonement also affords the perpetrator a way to avoid the severe punishment the Lord has decreed for such acts.

To the Victim

I testify that I know victims of serious abuse who have successfully made the difficult journey to full healing through the power of the Atonement. After her own concerns were resolved by her faith in the healing power of the Atonement, one young woman who had been severely abused by her father requested another interview with me. She returned with an older couple. I could sense that she loved the two very deeply. Her face radiated happiness. She began, “Elder Scott, this is my father. I love him. He’s concerned about some things that happened in my early childhood. They are no longer a problem for me. Could you help him?” What a powerful confirmation of the Savior’s capacity to heal! She no longer suffered from the consequences of abuse, because she had adequate understanding of His Atonement, sufficient faith, and was obedient to His law. As you conscientiously study the Atonement and exercise your faith that Jesus Christ has the power to heal, you can receive the same blessed relief. During your journey of recovery, accept His invitation to let Him share your burden until you have sufficient time and strength to be healed.

To find relief from the consequences of abuse, it is helpful to understand their source. Satan is the author of all of the destructive outcomes of abuse. He has extraordinary capacity to lead an individual into blind alleys where the solution to extremely challenging problems cannot be found. His strategy is to separate the suffering soul from the healing attainable from a compassionate Heavenly Father and a loving Redeemer.

If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help.

Satan uses your abuse to undermine your self-confidence, destroy trust in authority, create fear, and generate feelings of despair. Abuse can damage your ability to form healthy human relationships. You must have faith that all of these negative consequences can be resolved; otherwise they will keep you from full recovery. While these outcomes have powerful influence in your life, they do not define the real you.

Satan will strive to alienate you from your Father in Heaven with the thought that if He loved you He would have prevented the tragedy. Do not be kept from the very source of true healing by the craftiness of the prince of evil and his wicked lies. Recognize that if you have feelings that you are not loved by your Father in Heaven, you are being manipulated by Satan. Even when it may seem very difficult to pray, kneel and ask Father in Heaven to give you the capacity to trust Him and to feel His love for you. Ask to come to know that His Son can heal you through His merciful Atonement.

It was Satan’s proposal that Father’s children be forced to obey, that there be no moral agency and therefore no personal growth. To preserve moral agency, the Lord does not restrain individuals from improper use of that agency. However, He will punish them for such acts unless there is full repentance. Through the Holy Ghost, He sends warning promptings to the abuser, but often that individual’s degrading appetite is so powerful that it blocks out that spiritual guidance. That is why our Father provided a way to heal the consequences of acts that, through force, misuse of authority, or fear of another, temporarily take away the agency of the abused.

The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal. It is rooted in an understanding of doctrine and a resolute determination to follow it.

Healing may begin with a thoughtful bishop or stake president or a wise professional counselor. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t decide to fix it yourself. Serious abuse can also benefit from professional help. There are many ways to begin healing, but remember that a full cure comes through the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, our Master and Redeemer. Have faith that with effort His perfect, eternal, infinite Atonement can heal your suffering from the consequences of abuse.

As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgivenesscauses you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life.¹

If you are currently being abused or have been in the past, find the courage to seek help. You may have been severely threatened or caused to fear so that you would not reveal the abuse. Have the courage to act now. Seek the support of someone you can trust. Your bishop or stake president can give you valuable counsel and help you with the civil authorities. Explain how you have been abused and identify who has done it. Ask for protection. Your action may help others avoid becoming innocent victims, with the consequent suffering. Get help now. Do not fear—for fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering. The Lord will help you, but you must reach out for that help.

Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser. Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue his abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to civil and Church authorities.

To the Perpetrator

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse: Recognize that you need help with your addiction or it will destroy you. You will not overcome it by yourself. You likely need specialized professional help. I plead with you to seek to be rescued now. You likely have deceived yourself in the false, temporary security that you have successfully hidden your transgression from the civil or Church authorities. But know that the Lord Jesus Christ is completely aware of your sins. He has warned: “Whoso shall offend one of these little ones … , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”²Know that even without action by a victim, your act of abuse will be publicly known, for Satan will expose you, then abandon you.

Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke. Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others. Talk to your bishop or stake president. The seriousness of your acts may require you to face civil and Church discipline. But full repentance will bring the sweet relief offorgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life. It will also bring relief to the abused and their families. You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another’s life. Recognize that it is much easier to repent in this life than it will be in the next, so repent now. You will be helped when you decide to be freed from your addiction through repentance and the support of others. Be grateful that you didn’t live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance.³

To Parents

Parents, in appropriate, sensitive ways, teach your children of the potential danger of abuse and how to avoid it. Be aware of warning signs, such as an abrupt change in a child’s behavior, that may signal a problem. Be alert to a child’s unsettled feelings and identify their origin.

To Judges in Israel

To you who hold the keys of a judge in Israel, painstakingly assure that every individual that is suffering from abuse receives appropriate help. The Church handbook and the help line listed there are valuable resources to guide your ecclesiastical action and coordination with civil authorities.⁴Carefully supervise the participation of any individual who may have had past offenses. Recognize that it is very unlikely that a perpetrator will confess his depraved acts. Seek the guidance of the Spirit when you feel that something may be amiss. Enlist the help of ward and stake leaders to avoid potential dangers.

I pray that you, as one abused or one who has caused it, will act now to avail yourself of the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I testify that your faith and obedience will assure that He will help you. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Unpeeling the Layers of Lust Addiction: The Lust Tree

admin — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 04:57:43 +0000

From PASGworks.com

PASGworks.com has a helpful article from the perspective of one who struggles with sexual addiction. The author has a drawing of what he calls the “lust tree” along with thoughts about the different “layers” of addiction.

Lust Addiction: Roots, Trunk, Branches, and Fruit

More posts on lust addiction can be found at Rowboat and Marbles

How can I know if my loved one is addicted to pornography?

admin — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 08:24:44 +0000

“How can I tell if a loved one has a pornography problem?” There are some indicators which may be helpful in identifying if someone has a problem with pornography.

Quote

“Some behaviors that may be associated with viewing pornography are lying, selfishness, denial, isolation, avoidance, hiding, secretiveness, becoming emotionally checked out, procrastinating, and objectifying others. The best way to identify if there is a problem is to discuss concerns with the individual.”

From Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction, p. 129
(http://salifeline.org/UnderstandPornographyBkWeb.pdf)

- – - – -

Other signs that pornography addiction might be present:

- The objectification of women. If he makes a lot of comments about women’s bodies, only notices the physical part of women, and devalues them as people.
- Lack of desire for sex.; he does not want to have sex for long periods of time.
- He pushes limits in the bedroom. Pressuring you to participate in sex acts that you are uncomfortable with.
- Increased time spent on the computer. Early in the morning, late at night. Maybe even during the day when you are at work. If he is “wasting” a lot of time on the computer this is a sign.
- Depression
-Withdrawing from religion/God.
- An emotional disconnection. He is unable to connect with you emotionally and starts to distance himself.
- A general feeling of lack of safety in your relationship. There may be a bunch of little signs that all add up to you feeling unsafe (emotionally) in the relationship. Your gut is telling you something.
- Erratic patterns in his behaviors. At times he may seem mad/angry for no reason at all. For example; You telling him that you love him could trigger feelings of shame/guilt about his recent acting out which would lead to inconsistent behaviors.
- Other addictions. Including; Food, drugs, alcohol, video games.
- Lack of motivation around the house. Being unwilling to fully contribute to household needs.

These are just some signs that a spouse is struggling with a pornography problem.

-Brannon Patrick, LCSW

- – - -

Understanding the Addiction Cycle and its Impact

admin — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:02:34 +0000

There have been several posts as of late that discuss the addiction cycle (either directly or indirectly). Everyone describes it a little differently, but perhaps reading various posts can help you think through what patterns you see in your own situation. Some of the posts also explore how the spouse and children become affected by the cycle, and some simple things spouses can do to start to heal from the trauma and effects of the cycle.

The cycle itself may sound hopeless, but one of the important steps toward healing is understanding how addiction works, so we share this information with a desire to facilitate understanding.

We’re including some therapist points of view on this as well, including insights on how this cycle affects the spouse.

Fight the New Drug: The Addiction Cycle

The Addiction Cycle (therapist video explanation)

Ask Rhyll: How do you recognize when it is “recovery” and when it is just one of the regular stretches in the [addiction] cycle?

Ask Rhyll: Is relapse an expected part of recovery?

Harriet: Definitions and Cycles

Jane: The Cycle

Wildflower: How living with a sex addict dad has affected my kids (and part 2) [Interesting extension of how the cycle affected both the dad and the mom, and some of how that impacts the children]

eileenrhea: Intimacy and light bulbs

Geoff Steurer, LMFT: What’s a Woman to Do? How Pornography Affects Women and What They Can Do

Brannon Patrick, LCSW: Extinguishing the Fear: Breaking free from the fear cycle

Healing Concepts for Women by Dr. Jill Manning

admin — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:46:58 +0000

Dr. Jill Manning shares some insights for women who are affected by the addiction of a spouse in this Overcoming Pornography article. She writes:

Although downplayed and dismissed by many, pornography consumption by a spouse is devastating and should not be underestimated in terms of the far-reaching consequences it has on trust, intimacy, family life, children, finances, the marital friendship, and, in a growing number of cases, the existence of the marriage itself. Aside from abuse, I know of no other marital issue that affects the very soul of women more than pornography consumption by a spouse.

Read Dr. Manning’s Healing Concepts for Women Impacted by Pornography.

Free 6-week Workshop: Healing from Betrayal Trauma

admin — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 11:10:00 +0000

Statistics show that so many families are affected by pornography addiction, and our goal here is to help connect women in need to resources and information that can help. We are thrilled to see an addiction recovery therapist using the internet to reach out and try to help many women in innovative ways. We hope other addiction recovery therapists will do similar things. (If you are a therapist and are willing to provide information and/or resources online, please let us know! We also will consider guest posts.)

The workshop begins April 24. Registration deadline is tomorrow, April 17.

Healing from Betrayal Trauma — Help for wives of men struggling with sexual addiction

Did you know that 70% of women suffer from Betrayal Trauma when they discover their husband’s pornography or sexual addiction? This form of trauma meets most criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a long-term condition involving depression, severe distrust, anxiety, apathy, insomnia, chronic illness, etc.

Furthermore, 71 percent of women with Betrayal Trauma demonstrate severe functional impairment in major areas of their lives and require professional support.

Dr. Kevin Skinner, sexual addiction recovery therapist, is currently offering a FREE six-week workshop to help wives of those who are struggling with sexual/pornography addiction get on a path to healing. All content, classes, and even group meetings will be available online, so any woman living anywhere can participate, as long as she has an internet connection.

The workshop includes six online classes, with individual lessons that allow you to heal at your own pace, based on your own learning style. Each lesson includes step-by-step guidance, worksheets, articles, audio/video clips, and assessments to help you understand and get to the core of your situation.

Each of the six classes will then culminate in a weekly group meeting (remote access will be provided via video streaming), with discussions that are catered to the group’s needs led by Dr. Kevin Skinner.

This is not a religious workshop. It’s a therapist-created, research-based resource (in other words, it’s not a Mormon program, it’s for any woman married to someone wrestling with pornography/sexual addiction who is interested in getting some information and some help and support).

Following are the topics that will be covered in the workshop:

Why do I feel like this? (The science behind betrayal trauma) Where does the anger, hurt, pain and shame come from? “My spouse has the problem, so why am I suffering so much?” In this lesson you will learn the science behind betrayal trauma with a few tips and strategies to start you on the path to healing.

Understanding me. A series of assessments and worksheets help you understand how emotions such as anxiety, stress, anger and depression are affecting you – and how social support can help. The more you understand what you are experiencing, the more you can heal.

Easing your anxious mind. Common symptoms of betrayal trauma are anxiety and fear. In this lesson we will teach you how to deal with these feelings and move towards peace of mind. Understanding me. A series of assessments and worksheets help you understand how emotions such as anxiety, stress, anger and depression are affecting you – and how social support can help. The more you understand what you are experiencing, the more you can heal.

Start healing now! You will learn of seven healing strategies that can help you begin to restore strength to your life.

Did you know you are this strong? (Developing resiliency) You are stronger than you know. Learn how to use your strengths to develop resiliency during adversity, and turn feelings of inadequacy into strength and power.

Power to self-heal. In many cases, women blame themselves for their spouse’s behavior and feel a lack of self-worth. Learn to assess your internal dialogue and shift from self-criticism to self-compassion — creating inner peace and confidence in your inherent worth.

Bonus Class: The science behind pornography addiction.

Participants will be invited to give feedback on the workshop, on what was helpful and what could be improved. The goal of this workshop is to help women get their bearings in the face of the trauma of a husband’s sexual/pornography addiction, to come to see and realize that they are not alone (and that their feelings, fears, and struggles are normal!), and to begin a process of healing that can foster hope and confidence in the future.

Watch a slideshow that explains the workshop a little more.

For more information or to sign up, contact:

Eric@addorecovery.com
or
info@addorecovery.com
Phone: (801) 406-8994

Take an assessment to see if you might be suffering from betrayal trauma and might benefit from this workshop

Elder Bednar’s talk on Chastity

admin2 — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 00:51:21 +0000

I had the privilege of listening to Elder David A. Bednar talk about Chastity in the afternoon session of General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today. It was a fabulous talk! I can’t wait until the whole thing is posted, so that I can share more. Until then, here is a little taste:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a single, undeviating standard of sexual morality: intimate relations are proper only between a man and a woman in the marriage relationship prescribed in God’s plan. Such relations are not merely a curiosity to be explored, an appetite to be satisfied, or a type of recreation or entertainment to be pursued selfishly. They are not a conquest to be achieved or simply an act to be performed. Rather, they are in mortality one of the ultimate expressions of our divine nature and potential and a way of strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife. We are agents blessed with moral agency and are defined by our divine heritage as children of God—and not by sexual behaviors, contemporary attitudes, or secular philosophies.

Overcoming Pornography — New LDS Church website

admin — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 08:18:29 +0000

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has updated its website to support and educate on the topic of pornography/sexual addiction. The site, Overcoming Pornography, has several different sections — one to help individuals struggling with addiction; one to help family and friends of those in addiction. It also contains information for Church leaders seeking to support those who are affected by addiction in some way (either as one struggling with addiction or as one who has a loved one who struggles). Each section also includes ideas for helping prevent pornography/sexual addiction.

Included on the website are audio meetings for each of the 12 steps in the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program. If you have wondered what an ARP meeting is like, this is an opportunity to get a feel for the meetings.

Trials and Triumphal Entry of Jesus into One’s Heart

admin — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 08:40:03 +0000

This is a beautiful Palm Sunday post from the wife of a pornography/sex addict:

Triumphal Entry

“My life’s experiences have broken my heart. I never wanted a broken heart, but now that I have one, I want to keep it soft. A soft heart is not my natural tendency. I am letting Christ enter my life and my heart in much greater measure than I ever have.”Could I call that Christ’s triumphal entry into my life? Yes, because I need Christ to heal my broken heart through the atonement. It’s that simple.”

Image is from images.lds.org.

What can I do about him…no, about me?

admin — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 08:23:02 +0000

Rhyll Croshaw’s book, What Can I Do about ~~Him~~ Me? is helping a lot of wives get some clarity about their situation. Rhyll speaks from the voice of 40 years of life with a man who has struggled with sexual addiction since childhood. Her husband, Steven, has been in recovery now for several years, but they walked a difficult and roller-coaster-like life until they both came to understand what true recovery could look like — and how to get there. Rhyll came to know that she only could choose recovery for herself, and she writes in her book about what helped her find healing and hope.

See Rhyll’s website for more about her story.

Read reviews of Rhyll’s book at the following wives’ blogs:

What Can I Do? by Alicia

A New Book by Rhyll Croshaw — review by Hope Sparrow